Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Gentleman Jack

I just finished painting the basement. It is not a professional job, but it was cheap. We have a bar in the basement, and it is decorated with bar stuff. Most of the stuff is Jack Daniels stuff. We have a connection, so we have a ton of Jack stuff. We have mirrors, pictures, glasses, and all kinds of stuff. I put all of this back on the wall after I was finished painting. This led to a funny conversation with Kyle.

“Jack Daniels”, he read slowly. “Jack Daniels. Dad, who is Jack Daniels, and why is our whole basement decorated with him?”

“Well, buddy, he’s just some dude that made whiskey.”

“Whiskey, what is whiskey?”

“Well, whiskey is alcohol, it’s a drink.”

“Ohhh, so you drink it. You drink it, just like you drink water?”

“Well, no. Uncle Bill drinks it like it’s water, but most people drink it slow, they sip it.”

“So you are just supposed to sip it. Why does uncle Bill drink it so fast?”

“ I don’t know, you would have to ask him that.”

“Maybe he’s just thirsty. That’s why he drinks it so fast.”

“Yeah, that’s probably it Kyle, he’s just thirsty.”

Thursday, May 25, 2006

New Socks

I got new socks yesterday. You know what that means? It means that the whites have not been done, so instead of doing the laundry, my wife bought me new socks. All I did is made mention of the fact that my sock drawer was empty. I politely mentioned the possibility of maybe some wash getting done. Instead she went to the store and bought me new ones.

Do you think if I politely mention that my golf clubs are dirty, and need a cleaning, that she will buy me new ones?

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is a fact of life. You cannot stop it; you can only hope to contain it. To this day, my brothers and I still compete. Well, they all compete for second place. I don’t need to compete, cause I am far better than all of them at anything we do. So I usually come in first, and they all know that, so it is tough on them. Anyway, I didn’t know how young it actually began until last night. We had another soccer game last night, and my team did not have enough players, so I called Luke up from the minors. Luke plays in the 4 and 5-year old league, I coach Kyle in the 6 and 7-year olds.

Kyle was not at all pleased to see Luke don the great Maroon jersey. Actually he was pissed. I could see it in his eyes. So there I am, the great soccer coach, coaching both of my boys. Luke came onto the field with a smile a mile wide. Kyle came onto the field with a scowl of evil. It was a proud father moment. I started Luke as the Goalie to get him acclimated to the situation. He was fired up. He was playing with the big boys. He was hopping up and down, and ready. The first shot that came his way he saved it. The next shot that came his way went right on passed him. He hardly moved. So I went back and patted him on the head and told him to keep his chin up. Kyle went back and said, “Great Luke, because of you, we are losing 1 to nothing.” So I scolded Kyle a little bit, and did what all great dads would do. I put Kyle in net for the second period.

Kyle plays a mean net, but he too gave up a goal. I’m pretty sure I saw Luke smile at that, but he didn’t say anything. Later in the game both of my boys were playing offense. They were doing pretty well. They both had some solid plays, and Luke was holding his own with the big boys. Then it happened. I witnessed sibling rivalry at its best. Luke had a break away. He got out in front of everybody. He was motoring down the field, with Kyle trailing the play. The red teams goalie was all that was between Luke and the net. I was hollering for Luke to go, and yelling for Kyle to trail the play, and play the rebound. It was set up perfect. My two boys were out alone, and one of them was going to score.

I started to picture the celebration in my head. One would score the goal, and the two of them would High-Five each other, and do the airplane out to mid-field. It was setting up perfect. The crowd was so excited and my boys were leading the way. Then I witnessed Kyle make the best defensive play of his career. He put on a burst of speed, and caught Luke from behind. He stepped in front of Luke a booted the ball out of bounds. It was not even near the net. Kyle cleared the zone. He saved the goalie from having to make a play. Kyle stole the ball from Luke, and instead of shooting, he cleared it.

The crowd went silent, and the boys walked back. Luke was pissed, and Kyle was smirking. There I realized; there was no way, no way in hell that Kyle was going to let Luke score while playing on his team. It was another proud father moment.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


I may be jumping the gun. It may be a little early, but I think I will start building an Ark. The good Lord has not spoken to me yet, but I think it is coming. I am pretty sure that the Lord is playing with me. He or she is messing with me, and my dislike for animals. There must be some joke going on up in the heavens. “Hey Peter, what do you say we drop another lawn destroying pest on the Lawnwhisperer’s lawn.” “Oh God, you are funny, I get a kick out of seeing him pissed.”

I have already documented my rabbit situation. They are one big happy family living in my front yard. I have a groundhog living behind my shed. He is a little bastard. He’s digging holes and tearing up the shrubs. He is a bold, and brazen son of a gun too. He’ll come strolling right out in the middle of the lawn and start eating. He’ll get up on his fat little hind legs and stare right at me. I know he’s laughing at me. I know he is just trying to piss me off. I did the humane thing; I trapped it, and took it to some far off woods. I let him go in the woods, and he is back. Now I will have to kill it. My wife won’t let me, but I will get it when nobody is looking.

I have mole holes along the neighbor’s fence. They are digging their stupid little tunnels along the fence line. I saw one while cutting the grass the other day. I tried to run it over, but he ducked into one of his holes. I’ll get the little menace. Last fall there was a wild turkey in my yard. A freaking turkey. The thing was huge. It scared the boys, and you know what? It scared me too. I constantly have deer in my yard eating my trees. I don’t live in the forest, I live in a development, but I have all of these creatures strolling through my yard. Birds, oh lord you should see how many birds hang out on my house. They hang out on my house, then they fly to the tree line. Then they go from the tree line, back to the house. With every pass, they drop shit on my walkway and cars, and driveway. I need a B-B Gun.

Not too long ago we were woken by a loud hooting sound. 2 in the morning and I thought somebody’s alarm was going off. My wife and I went outside, and there was a monster owl sitting on my neighbor’s roof. The owl would not shut the hell up. It sounded like it was in my living room. Why is all of this wildlife hanging around my house? My house is a zoo without the animals; I don’t need them hanging around. So now I am thinking that I may be the next Noah. That is the only explanation that I can think of. They want me to build an ark. The animals are starting to congregate at my house. I can’t wait till the Hippo’s show up. What the hell will they do to my yard?

Monday, May 15, 2006

My Mom is______

Luke must not be too bright. I thought he was moving along nicely as far as his intelligence goes, but he seems to have hit a small bump in the road. I thought he was doing fine in school. His teachers think he is ready to move on, and that he will be a fine student. I have my doubts. I did not have my doubts until he brought home his Mother’s Day card. After reading this 4-year-olds card, I know he has to be held back.

The card was one of those fill in the blank cards. The teachers had 4 statements typed out, and the kids had to fill in the blanks.

My favorite thing to do with my mom is ___________.

Luke’s answer was, go to the zoo. This is a fine answer, as my wife does take them to the zoo a lot. So that was a cute, good answer.

My mom has ________ hair.

Luke says blonde. Now, this is true to a certain degree. I will not take points off for this answer, as she has it highlighted blonde. But I can’t expect a 4-year-old to understand such nonsense.

My mom is ______ years old.

Luke’s answer was 30. Now, my wife looks like she is in her late 20’s, but she is not. Luke may be looking for some extra attention, so he went low in order to score points, or he has no concept of age. Then with the last statement, I realized that Luke needs more schooling.

My mom is the best _________ in the whole world.

Luke says Cleaner. Luke thinks his mother is the best cleaner in the entire world. I don’t know what he sees, and I don’t know what he is thinking, but I have an issue with this answer. I am not saying that my wife is a bad cleaner, I am just saying that she is not the Best cleaner. See, I believe that in order to be the best at something, you actually have to do it. Again, this is not a shot at my wife. We do not live in a dirty house, but we do not clean it to the merits of best in the world. I believe that my wife has cleaning on her agenda, but it is listed somewhere near cooking, and laundry. Those two things are way down the priority list. Luke seems to think that she is the best in the world at this. This worries me. Luke has poor observation skills. My wife definitely ranks as one of the best mothers in the world, but cleaners? No Luke, you got that wrong. That is 2 out of 4 on the test. That is 50%. 50% is an F. I think we have to hold him back.

Thursday, May 11, 2006


It’s a sad day when you finally come to the realization that you are indeed afraid of your own reflection. I am afraid of many things, but most of them are normal fears, but this, this takes the cake. I am sitting here right now feeling bad for my kids because they don’t stand a chance in this world. They will grow up to be chickens, just like their old man. I saw myself in the mirror last night, and it scared me. For all of you funny people out there that are going to say, “I would be scared to if I looked like that,” I don’t mean I was scared by my looks. See, I know that I am a good-looking dude. Chicks dig me, and they always have. What I mean is, that my reflection startled me, and I was ready to beat it up.

I was lying in bed, falling asleep while watching Sports Center. I was pretty out of it, and decided it was time to shut the TV off and go to sleep. I turned the TV off, and got up to go to the bathroom. I have a strategically placed night-light on the wall in the bathroom. It is right under the medicine cabinet, which has a mirror for a door. The door of the cabinet was partially open. It is not normally this way, so this is where the temporary confusion set in. That mirror door opens into the big mirror on the wall. So I entered, while half asleep, and caught my own reflection in the mirror of the cabinet, which in turn spun that reflection into the big mirror. For one brief moment my heart stopped, and I thought there was an intruder in the house. Not one intruder, but two. I caught my own reflection off of two mirrors, in the dim lighting from the night-light, and it startled me.

I will have you know, that I would have kicked both of my ass’ to protect my family. I would have put a major beat down on both of those fine looking intruders, if they were real. I was poised and ready to smack the hell out of both of me. I go to the gym. I work out. I could have taken both of those me’s. Anyway, I went to the bathroom, and then back to bed. I was still a little confused, so I pulled the covers up to my nose, and stared at the ceiling for a bit. I eventually fell off to sleep. Thank god it is cloudy today, cause I would hate to run into my shadow.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Blow Test

My expensive, I mean excellent, daughter had a Dr. appointment yesterday. I went with my wife and daughter to this appointment, as the issue is relatively serious, but getting much better. We had to go to the Pulmonologist. The Lung Dr. if you will.

We had to wait in the waiting room for far to long, but that is an issue that is often discussed on Poop and Boogies, so I will stay away from it. Finally we get called to the back. We get put into the Dr’s office to wait again. While waiting here, something very funny happened. We were right next to the Blow Test cubicle. I am not sure of the exact terminology, but that is what is performed in this particular area, a blow test. I am sitting in an office with my wife, and my 22-year-old expensive, I mean, excellent daughter. All is quiet in the room, until we hear this; “OK, Mrs. Smith, sit right here, and we are going to do a blow test for the doctor.” I chuckle at the sound of this, and elbow my wife with that, are you listening to this head nod. She also chuckles, but tries to ignore what is being said.

Next thing we hear is this, “I want you to start off slow, and then blow harder as I tell you.” At this point, I am already starting to get the body shakes from holding in my laughter. Then comes the grand finally, “Slow, slow, ok faster, faster, faster. Great job, keep going, oh Mrs. Smith, you are doing great, harder, harder, harder. Mrs. Smith that was wonderful, great job on the blow test.” The nurse’s voice was rising with each word, and it was quite comical. So, just as I am regaining my composure, Mrs. Smith says, “Wow, it gets harder, the longer you have to blow.” That is where I lost it.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Are we There Yet?

They are losing interest. They are losing their desire. They are losing their spunk and energy. They are slowly deteriorating. They, my 6-year-old soccer team, are quitting on me. They are 5 games into an eight game season, and they are ready for it to be over. They have lasted longer than me. I was ready for it to be over after game 3. They are strong boys, stronger than me, but their patience is gone.

This week was a gem. We lost 5 to 1. I am not concerned with the winning and losing, but I do believe that the kids should know what the deal is. Some of the coaches and parents in this league want to say that every game is a tie. I don’t go for that. I teach my kids to know the score. So my kids are big at announcing it at every goal. They are not quiet about it either. “Coach John, Coach John, now it is three to nothing!” 30 seconds later one is yelling, “Here we go again, coach John, it is 4 to nothing.” This week I had three different kids skip the score all together and go right to this, “Coach John, I think we should just go home.” It is hard to argue with smart kids. They had a point, and I had nothing to say in response.

Midway through the third quarter, 4 of my eight kids were sitting on the ground. That is half of my team, sitting in the middle of the field. I was getting frustrated, and I picked up the ball, and yelled out, “Hey maroon team, do you guys just want to go home?” Nobody answered me, but I could see it in their faces. Yes, they wanted to go home, and you know what, so did I. I am yelling and screaming words of encouragement all game long, and I don’t believe that anyone hears them, but of course the entire township seemed to fall silent just as I was yelling this. I got some funny looks. Some of the parents looked at me strange. It was just a question, asked loudly. Some of my kids stood up and finished the game. Some continued to pick the clovers. Three more games, just three more, then it’s over. I can see the light. It is near. Then we can go home.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Bad Day

The color is called True Blue, with Dark Shadow Gray trim. The interior is black cloth. I have to get cloth because leather makes me sweat. This baby is loaded though. It’s got the 5-disc changer CD player. It’s got the power moon roof. If you want cup holders, this beauty has got them. There are cup holders everywhere. In the middle, on the ceiling in the front, it has sunglass holders. It has two of them. I love sunglass holders. It only has a v6, cause I can’t afford the gas on a v8, but this puppy can move. It has those sharp-looking 18-inch aluminum wheels. This is a thing of beauty. It’s the Ford F-150 Quad Cab. It’s got the 4 doors, so it is easy access for the kids, and their booster seats fit just fine. It has the plastic bed-liner, so my 36-inch Bunton walk behind mower won’t damage the truck. This truck is love at first sight.

Too bad I will never see it. I thought I would be getting it. I was getting prepared for the big day, but then I got some bad news. Kristin, my lovely daughter, got a job. She graduates from college in two weeks, and she got a job. To most parents, this is good news, but to me, it is devastating. See, she got a job with a company car. Now she doesn’t need mine. My grand plan, or scheme as some would say, was to have to give her my car when she got done school. I have a decent little car with low mileage. I was hoping to have to give it up, so that she could get to and from work safely. I was hoping to make it look as if I was a great father, and give her my car, and then I would have to buy another one. Then I was going to buy that beautiful truck that you can picture from the first paragraph. Today is a sad day. Company cars suck. They really suck.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Sorry, no Charlie

I like chips. Potato chips. I can’t help that I like them, I just do. If there is a snack that I prefer over all snacks, it is chips. My fondness for chips usually goes hand in hand with dip, but it is not an absolute necessity. If we have just plain old chips, then I definitely need some dip, but if we have a flavored chip of some sort, I can get by on chips alone. I realize that there are many more options out there. I am constantly told to have some popcorn or something. Have some pretzels, or some tortilla chips and salsa. They all sound like fine options, but they are not chips and dip. I do not find them to be a satisfying snack item. After eating one of the ‘others’ I am not snack satisfied. I understand that they are healthier options, but the plain idea of snacking at night is not a healthy habit. So, if I am going to be unhealthy eating pretzels at 9:00 pm; I may as well be unhealthy eating something that I enjoy at 9:00 pm.

When I was young I vaguely remember the Charlie Chips guy. This guy was the ultimate delivery guy. He delivered chips. Today, this guy would be my hero. It is a pretty safe bet that I would have this guy at my house everyday. He would deliver fresh chips everyday, and I would get the milkman to deliver sour cream. I would have my snack each day, delivered. Nowadays I have to rely on my wife to get me chips and dip. I can tell by the grocery shopping whether she is mad at me or not. If she comes home and there are two bags of chips, then I know all is well. If she comes home and there are no chips, then I know I may be in trouble. If she comes home and there are no chips, but there is sour cream, then she is just torturing me. That’s not fair really. Last night was one of those nights. There is sour cream, so I can make some dip, but there are no chips. She says to have pretzels and dip. I say; what did I do now? Chips and dip, are like cookies and milk. You don’t replace your milk with soda, and dip the cookies into it. So I ain’t dipping pretzels into dip. Oh, Charlie Chips guy, where have you gone?
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