Wednesday, May 17, 2006


I may be jumping the gun. It may be a little early, but I think I will start building an Ark. The good Lord has not spoken to me yet, but I think it is coming. I am pretty sure that the Lord is playing with me. He or she is messing with me, and my dislike for animals. There must be some joke going on up in the heavens. “Hey Peter, what do you say we drop another lawn destroying pest on the Lawnwhisperer’s lawn.” “Oh God, you are funny, I get a kick out of seeing him pissed.”

I have already documented my rabbit situation. They are one big happy family living in my front yard. I have a groundhog living behind my shed. He is a little bastard. He’s digging holes and tearing up the shrubs. He is a bold, and brazen son of a gun too. He’ll come strolling right out in the middle of the lawn and start eating. He’ll get up on his fat little hind legs and stare right at me. I know he’s laughing at me. I know he is just trying to piss me off. I did the humane thing; I trapped it, and took it to some far off woods. I let him go in the woods, and he is back. Now I will have to kill it. My wife won’t let me, but I will get it when nobody is looking.

I have mole holes along the neighbor’s fence. They are digging their stupid little tunnels along the fence line. I saw one while cutting the grass the other day. I tried to run it over, but he ducked into one of his holes. I’ll get the little menace. Last fall there was a wild turkey in my yard. A freaking turkey. The thing was huge. It scared the boys, and you know what? It scared me too. I constantly have deer in my yard eating my trees. I don’t live in the forest, I live in a development, but I have all of these creatures strolling through my yard. Birds, oh lord you should see how many birds hang out on my house. They hang out on my house, then they fly to the tree line. Then they go from the tree line, back to the house. With every pass, they drop shit on my walkway and cars, and driveway. I need a B-B Gun.

Not too long ago we were woken by a loud hooting sound. 2 in the morning and I thought somebody’s alarm was going off. My wife and I went outside, and there was a monster owl sitting on my neighbor’s roof. The owl would not shut the hell up. It sounded like it was in my living room. Why is all of this wildlife hanging around my house? My house is a zoo without the animals; I don’t need them hanging around. So now I am thinking that I may be the next Noah. That is the only explanation that I can think of. They want me to build an ark. The animals are starting to congregate at my house. I can’t wait till the Hippo’s show up. What the hell will they do to my yard?


Blogger WILLIAM said...

I may know a recipe for Groundhog stew.

1:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So far they are only showing up in onesies not twosomes. Maybe your place is the animals singles bar? I think a BB Gun is absolutely necessary. Maybe just to warn them. Only pump it once or twice.

1:35 PM  
Anonymous teri said...

OMG, that is hysterical. I'm so sorry for your wildlife problem especially since you have a fabulous lawn.

You know how it is when a dog or cat knows that a specific person does NOT like them and they make it a point to continually want that person to pet them and give them attention? This is you!

Maybe you should open the LawnWhisperer Zoo, cage all the animals and make some money in the process???

1:42 PM  
Blogger jaime said...

We have a colony of squirrels that live around our house in our many, many oak trees. By the time the winter was over, it looked like our entire lawn and every garden had been aerated.

1:53 PM  
Blogger T. said...

We had a mole. I told my hubs to leave it alone. I went to work with a mole living in my lawn. Six hours later, I came home, and I had no lawn. My hubs tore it up trying to kill the damn mole. Which he didn't. But he did get a piece of his tail.

It was the only piece of tail he got that night, let me tell you.

6:28 PM  
Anonymous nikkirae said...

LOL.. I'd love it!



1:29 AM  
Blogger Mainline Mom said...

Definately you need a gun. BB gun outta do the most damage to the animals without being too scary.

8:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whisperer's got a gun...
Whisperer's got a gun....
The whole worlds come undone.

9:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just think...if you could talk to the animals...(sing along now...)

If you conferred with your furry friends, man to animal
Think of all the things you could discuss
If you could walk with the animals, talk with the animals
Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals
And they could squeak and squawk and speak and talk to you!

9:04 AM  
Anonymous stepblog said...

You've seen Caddyshack, right? You couldn't escape adolescence without practically memorizing every line. And now, you've become, Carl. Please don't go eating any candy bars you find floating in swimming pools.

5:49 PM  

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