Thursday, June 22, 2006

Back, By Popular Demand

It makes me smile to see the outpouring of affection that came from my retirement. Fans, from all over the place, are asking me to stick around. People that I did not even know are reading me are asking me to stay. The reason that it makes me smile is because it makes William cringe. He is jealous of the response that I got from being cancelled, and that made my day. So, for that, and that alone, I have decided to come out of retirement. I have been retired for 23 hours now, but the people have spoken. I have always been a blogger of the people, and for the people.


I was cleaning out the garage the other day. I have a Two-Stuff Garage. I had to take all of the stuff out of the garage, and then put it all back in. This process happens 4 to 5 times a year. It is a painful task, as most of you know. My kids were helping me. Now, kids like to help, but they are 3-minute helpers. After 3 minutes of a task, they are off playing with something that they are not supposed to. So they really didn’t hold up their end of the garage clean up. I was working alone. I’m like that anyway. I’m a lone wolf task doer. I’m a Maverick if you will. When I’m cleaning the garage, I don’t need a Goose in the back seat telling me where the bogies are. “Big pile of dust on the floor to the left Mav. Tools out of place at 3 o-clock Maverick.” See, that stuff doesn’t work for me. My wife likes to tell that kind of stuff, and it does not make for pleasant chores. So I work alone.

The kids are off hitting each other with hammers and crowbars, and I am trying to concentrate. Then, suddenly like a bullet, a bird buzzes the tower. A bird flew into the garage doing mach 3 and almost hits me in the head. He starts freaking out. He got in the garage, but could not figure out how to get out of the garage. He is flapping his wings and bumping his head on the ceiling. Every once in a while, he would nose dive right for me. This bird was pissed. I grabbed the snow shovel from the wall and started defending myself. I would take a swipe and then duck. With every move, the darn bird would drop a bomb. He was shitting all over my garage. I would take another swipe, and he would do this dive and turn move to avoid the shovel, and then beeline at my head. My boys start yelling at me. “Don’t hurt the bird dad. Be nice to the bird.”

Luke was especially upset. He has this whole ‘God’s Creatures’ thing that he says. Don’t hurt the bird dad; it’s one of God’s Creatures. Don’t step on the bug dad; it’s one of God’s creatures. My Mother-in-Law taught him this. This ‘God’s Creature’ mentality is the same thing that has me running a rabbit farm in the front lawn. So I already have an issue with the ‘God’s Creature’ mentality. So I did what every great father would do. I said, “Luke, enough of this God’s creature crap, the damn bird is shitting all over the garage, and I’m going to kill it. If you can’t handle watching me kill one of god’s creatures, go out back.” Luke started grabbing for the shovel. He started hitting me in the legs. Luke was defending the bird. It came down to me against a freaking bird, and Luke chose the bird. So here I am being attacked by a bird from above, and then Luke launches a ground assault at my legs. I start calling for back up. “Kyle, help me out here. Come get Luke off of me, so that I can kill this bird.” Kyle, being the smart one in the family says, “Dad, I ain’t coming in there, that bird is pooping all over everything.” So, I retreated. I left the bird in the garage for the better part of the afternoon. The dumb bird eventually found his way out. Then I spent the better part of the evening cleaning up bird shit from the garage. God’s Creatures suck.


Blogger WILLIAM said...

Reading this post would be so much better if Kenny Loggins "FLy into the Danger zone" was playing in the background.

I am glad to see that you are back out of retirement Roger Clemens.

12:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

no comment

12:44 PM  
Anonymous the dogwalker said...

no comment

12:45 PM  
Anonymous OddMix said...

Holy cow. That story actually made me cry I was laughing so hard.

So the rabit colony is doing well, eh? BTW, you do know that rabits breed quickly, right? Sort of like mamalian dandylions?

Welcome back from your... um, lengthy hiatus.

12:57 PM  
Anonymous OddMix said...

Oh, and I though you were afraid of the "Lone Worlf".

12:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well, he was a little early, but i did warn you that - if you really retired - i'd send someone over to poop on your lawn. that was his practice run, and clearly he missed your lawn by a mile. but i'm glad you didn't retire so i didn't have to send that bird back to crap on the rabbit farm.

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Gwen said...

I feel so powerful knowing that I helped change your mind. Glad you're back!

1:38 PM  
Anonymous teri said...

glad we didn't give you a send off with presents, we'd have to take them back considering the retirement was a day long.

maybe you should attach one of those counters to your website so that you can see all the fans hitting your site.

Great story too by the way. Anonymous did good by sending over the poop squad.

1:49 PM  
Anonymous Sandy said...

ahhhh, now that's what I'm talking about...when I need to take a break from the three kids down the hall screaming that they are looking at each other...I need to sit and relax and read something soothing to calm my inner self down...and damn if a story about a caged shitting bird and a boy protecting it's way of life doesn't do it for me...good read!


2:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

p.s. i think if you quit, william would think he won and that he has a better blog than you (re: "dad vs. dad"). i think you both need to post a whole lot so we can decide.

2:45 PM  
Blogger jd said...

That's hysterical, Lawn Whisperer! I laughed outloud!

3:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am glad you are staying!!!My kid woulda been like let me get my B.B. gun he is just the opposite of yours he wants to kill all Gods creatures. I am working with him.

6:01 PM  
Anonymous deneen said...

I would have paid good money to see that.

6:44 PM  
Anonymous joanne said...

woohoo!! you're back!

6:59 PM  
Anonymous Sparkles said...

Yeah! Welcome back! I've come out of lurking to let you know that you're adored.

11:58 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

Do you think this stuff is as funny when it is actually going on? Or do we just get some sick pleasure out of your misery?

Soooo glad your back...those 23 hours were almost the longest hours of my blogging life!

9:14 AM  
Blogger LoisLane said...

Last summer my kids found a dead bird stuck to the radiator of my car. My son called me a dirty, rotten bird killer. ;)

9:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I watched CSI a couple of times. 1)The bird flew in and scared you.
2) Next there is POO all over the garage

3) You then blame the bird for the poop.


9:58 AM  
Blogger G-Side Pride said...

it goes like this u can not retire again cause then you come back like the rocket, after one retiremtent your good but after 2, youll suck so you are now forced to stay in it

10:59 AM  
Anonymous somehow related said...

Ahhh... just like Flutie and Clemens... You Retire for the attention it will draw and then come back from retirement. Nicely done.

By the way, as you can see I too came back out of retirement from responding!!!! yet I get no press.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Toady Joe said...

Good Lord I hope your shins are okay, and that you're up-to-date on your tetanus shots.

If I had your address I'd fedex you some 409 to de-shit your garage with.

Ya poor guy.

12:25 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

Holy crap...I step out for a couple of days and you not only retire, but then retire from retirement! Careful might earn yourself a reputation like that basketball guy,whatwashisname? Micheal Jordan maybe? I don't know,I don't watch sports,but I DO read your blog, NO RETIREMENT allowed!

Love the time just tell your son that you're sending (insert God's creature here)back to God because God got lonely...worked for me. Stacie

2:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


5:18 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

We had a bird fly into our house once (flew down the freckin' CHIMNEY!), and couldn't get out. So I feel your pain. (Actually, I feel your sons pain-I didn't want my parents to kill the bird either). :)

11:32 AM  
Anonymous mike said...

Got kids too. Kill the bird, keep the garage clean, and let the kids know...the bird is with God where it should be....everyone's happy!

2:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Back by popular demand?! Like you were ever really are desperate for a compliment...I think most of these posts come from you....

12:52 PM  
Blogger sari said...

Hi -

I'm someone that somehow stumbled across your blog on someone else's blog (you know how it goes!) but anyway, I've been reading for awhile and you really are funny! I'm actually crying here I'm laughing so hard. I have a Luke too (literally) and I think yours and mine must be related somehow, they are exactly the same. Exactly.

Anyway, I've never commented but I had to tell you keep blogging, you're very funny. Your wife and kids seem like a great and funny family (except for the occasional Luke-isms) and I really enjoy your blog, um, column.

7:05 PM  

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