Back, By Popular Demand

It makes me smile to see the outpouring of affection that came from my retirement. Fans, from all over the place, are asking me to stick around. People that I did not even know are reading me are asking me to stay. The reason that it makes me smile is because it makes William cringe. He is jealous of the response that I got from being cancelled, and that made my day. So, for that, and that alone, I have decided to come out of retirement. I have been retired for 23 hours now, but the people have spoken. I have always been a blogger of the people, and for the people.

Birds

I was cleaning out the garage the other day. I have a Two-Stuff Garage. I had to take all of the stuff out of the garage, and then put it all back in. This process happens 4 to 5 times a year. It is a painful task, as most of you know. My kids were helping me. Now, kids like to help, but they are 3-minute helpers. After 3 minutes of a task, they are off playing with something that they are not supposed to. So they really didn’t hold up their end of the garage clean up. I was working alone. I’m like that anyway. I’m a lone wolf task doer. I’m a Maverick if you will. When I’m cleaning the garage, I don’t need a Goose in the back seat telling me where the bogies are. “Big pile of dust on the floor to the left Mav. Tools out of place at 3 o-clock Maverick.” See, that stuff doesn’t work for me. My wife likes to tell that kind of stuff, and it does not make for pleasant chores. So I work alone.

The kids are off hitting each other with hammers and crowbars, and I am trying to concentrate. Then, suddenly like a bullet, a bird buzzes the tower. A bird flew into the garage doing mach 3 and almost hits me in the head. He starts freaking out. He got in the garage, but could not figure out how to get out of the garage. He is flapping his wings and bumping his head on the ceiling. Every once in a while, he would nose dive right for me. This bird was pissed. I grabbed the snow shovel from the wall and started defending myself. I would take a swipe and then duck. With every move, the darn bird would drop a bomb. He was shitting all over my garage. I would take another swipe, and he would do this dive and turn move to avoid the shovel, and then beeline at my head. My boys start yelling at me. “Don’t hurt the bird dad. Be nice to the bird.”

Luke was especially upset. He has this whole ‘God’s Creatures’ thing that he says. Don’t hurt the bird dad; it’s one of God’s Creatures. Don’t step on the bug dad; it’s one of God’s creatures. My Mother-in-Law taught him this. This ‘God’s Creature’ mentality is the same thing that has me running a rabbit farm in the front lawn. So I already have an issue with the ‘God’s Creature’ mentality. So I did what every great father would do. I said, “Luke, enough of this God’s creature crap, the damn bird is shitting all over the garage, and I’m going to kill it. If you can’t handle watching me kill one of god’s creatures, go out back.” Luke started grabbing for the shovel. He started hitting me in the legs. Luke was defending the bird. It came down to me against a freaking bird, and Luke chose the bird. So here I am being attacked by a bird from above, and then Luke launches a ground assault at my legs. I start calling for back up. “Kyle, help me out here. Come get Luke off of me, so that I can kill this bird.” Kyle, being the smart one in the family says, “Dad, I ain’t coming in there, that bird is pooping all over everything.” So, I retreated. I left the bird in the garage for the better part of the afternoon. The dumb bird eventually found his way out. Then I spent the better part of the evening cleaning up bird shit from the garage. God’s Creatures suck.