Monday, June 12, 2006


It was raining pretty good. It was just after a 40-minute rain delay. I’m standing in the rough, with about 170 yards between the green and me. The rough is soaked, my grips are wet, and I have to carry a portion of the lake, and two bunkers. These are daunting circumstances for a pathetic golfer such as myself. These alone are tough to overcome. Just as I am getting into my pre-shot routine, my phone rings. It is my wife. She may as well have just come over to the course, picked up my ball, and threw it into the water. She would have saved me the embarrassment.

“Oh John, you should see this patio set I am looking at. It is awesome. Can you come over here when you are done and see if you like it?”

I reply, “Is it wicker, and does it need cushions? Cause if that is the case, then I don’t like it.”

“How do you know if you like it unless you see it?” She says.

“Cause I don’t like wicker, and I don’t like cushions.”

Anyway, I hang up the phone. I am a bit confused as to why she felt the need to call me then, for that. Needless to say, I hit the ball into the water. She messed me up. Yes, I blame her for that shot.

I like the look of wicker; I don’t like the comfort of wicker. I like a nice cushioned seat; I don’t like having to monitor the weather for leaving them outside. I am a simple man really. On the way home from golf, she calls me again. I tell her to just buy the freaking wicker set, cause I know she wants it. I also know that no matter what I say, we are getting the wicker set. She begs me to meet her there, so that I can look at everything, and we can pick it out together. To all the men out there, does she really care about my opinion? The answer is no, but I meet her there and we spend an hour looking at patio sets. We looked at green ones, yellow ones, white ones and black ones. We saw wicker ones, steel ones plastic ones and mesh ones. It was a brutal time. All the while, I know damn well that we are buying the green wicker one. She cost me a stroke when she first called. We bought the wicker one. It is on my patio. Why did I have to go to the store? Every time I sit in the green wicker seat, I will remember that shot that went into the water. Why does she mess with my golf game like that?


Anonymous teri said...

first of all, you should probably turn your phone off when golfing. I often wonder why people leave their phones on during specific activities (movies, golfing, weddings). Did the wife know you were golfing or did she think you were "working"? : )

Anywho, I've also wondered why we women do this to our men. Why do we ask these questions when we know that we are going to buy what we want anyway, regardless of your answer. Do we want the satisfaction of saying "I asked your opinion"?

10:19 AM  
Blogger jd said...

At least the green wicker set matches your grass, Lawn Whisperer. Though, I agree. No wicker furniture for me.

2:15 PM  
Anonymous the dogwalker said...

Wow, what a shame. It almost sounds like that was the first time
you ever hit your ball in the water. Oh wait, never mind, the number 17 just poppped into my head. "17, What?, yeah, 17, do you want me to f^@%ing count'em for you?"........too funny!!!!

2:24 PM  
Anonymous momo9 said...

Poor Whisperer! It's always something? Right! You have a busy week ahead of you! I can't imagine the honey do list! The wicker furniture is only the beginning! Good luck!

5:31 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Next time she is at the gym call her and ask her what type of clubs you should by and that she really need to come bu and see the ones you are eyeing up.

8:14 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

because she can my friend, because she can! Best you learn that now than to learn later, the hard way. LOL Stacie

8:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate it when your leg hairs get caught in the wicker.

10:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I know you reawy, reawy, want to wicker.

4:41 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

The Second Anon comment cracked me up. That is classic.

6:55 AM  
Anonymous OddMix said...

I think they ask these questions so that when the cusions get moldy and you get splinters in your but from the wicker she can say, "but you helped me pick them out."

12:51 PM  

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