Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Of Mice and Men

I finally got serious about my pest problems. I finally took the first step towards ridding my lawn of unwanted quests. My wife refers to our place as The Lawn for Unwed Mothers. Every animal comes to my place, and it appears that they come to have babies. At first she found this to be cute, when it was rabbits, but now she is even getting annoyed. It took the baby groundhog on the patio to finally admit that it was time for me to go on a killing spree. I have started my quest. I have my orders from the boss. She wants me to get rid of them, and get rid of them all.

I am fertilizing the yard. I am putting my Scott’s Summer Guard down. I use Scott’s because as all Lawnwhisperer’s know, this is the best product available. I am going through the lawn in a distinct pattern. In order to do it properly, there has to be a charted plan. You can’t miss any spots, and you can’t use too much in one spot. I have this chart locked away in a safe. I can’t have anyone steal my secrets to fertilizing, so I have to keep it secure. Kyle and Luke have the combination, just in case anything would happen to me, they could carry on the whispering. I am walking along the thirty- third parallel, 23 degrees north-northwest. I have my Ipod on and am enjoying the sunshine. I believe the song is Paradise City, from Gun’s and Roses. This song is like my house’s theme song. “Take me down to the paradise city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.” This is a perfect song as my wife and daughter are very pretty, and well my grass is green. I am pushing my spreader at a decent pace when suddenly I see something dart under the wheel. The wheel bumps, and I stop.

Lying there is a field mouse. He is still alive, but injured. I was not even trying, and I hit the thing. That is like the needle in a haystack saying. I couldn’t leave the stupid thing there. I had to kill it, cause I already had one pest revive itself and run, and that wasn’t happening again. So I ran him over a few more times. I am going to use Marvin the Mouse as an example to all of the other critters. I tied him to a string, and hung him from a fence post. He is on display, for all to see, No More Mr. Nice Guy it says underneath of him. I am kicking ass and taking names later. Look out critters. The Fertilizer Man is on the prowl.


Ok, the last part isn’t true. I didn’t hang him from a string. I wouldn’t get near a dead mouse with a ten-foot pole. So I did what all great Lawnwhisperer’s do, I took an eleven-foot pole, and flung him into my neighbors yard.

13 Comments:

Blogger Toady Joe said...

HAHAHA you crack me up, Lawn Whisperer. Thank you!

12:57 PM  
Anonymous grumpier old man said...

Aha...I knew the mouse was yours! Leave my lawn out of this! I have skunks and will try to run one over and catapault it into your lawn!

1:35 PM  
Anonymous mike said...

Potato cannon works better than an eleven foot pole. Look out next county!

1:38 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

The fertilizer man? I don't know if I like the sound of that.

And it is probaly not the needle/haystack thing but probably there are so many mice on you lawn that it would be hard miss hitting one.

2:57 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

you really do have a zoo in your yard.

I still think you should just try to make a profit off your zoo and be done with it. But obviously having a beautiful lawn is more important.

3:28 PM  
Blogger sari said...

"So I ran over him a few more times"...classic!

5:09 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

I so would have hung him by a string....

5:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You make me laugh and so does your brother, the comments after the stories kill me . Tell me is there anymore siblings who have a blog? Ya'll all should have one it would be great!

6:45 PM  
Anonymous joanne said...

as usual... another brilliantly funny post! you always make me laugh!

ahh... GNR's appetite for destruction. i remember buying that album in '87 when it came out. classic!

7:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought you would have bit its head off with the GNR Ozzie kind of Ipod thing. I also pictured the Gangs of New York. Leonardo de Whisperer hanging the dead rabbit up so the whole "zoo" knew what was up.

9:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Quote: "I finally got serious about my pest problems. I finally took the first step towards ridding my lawn of unwanted quests."

Soooo you're idea of "taking steps" is to have the little critters run into your spreader? Sounds like a suicide attempt...are you going to wait for all of them to try this?

The Vole Hunter staring Brad Pit? More like Of Mice and Men starring Mickey Mouse.

10:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We had grounhogs making themselves at home in our horse pasture. As a groundhog hole is just the right size and depth to do a Barbaro on a horses leg this was a problem. I solved it last night with a twelve gauge.

11:44 AM  
Blogger Alisa said...

you have a daughter??

9:42 PM  

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