I am important, no really I am
It’s a matter of trust. That’s pretty much it. There are only so many people in the world that you can trust with your kids. I have recently been called upon for this very purpose. I accepted this responsibility with pride and honor. My brother Mike and his wife Cybil are expecting. Actually, they are over expected. The due date is past, and they need someone on late night call. I am that someone. If she goes into labor in the middle of the night, I have to go to their house and take care of their 18-month-old son, Marcus.
I have planned out my route. It will take me exactly 13 minutes and 22 seconds to get from door to door. I have been working on this time all week, in an effort to improve on it. If I don’t do the typical left, right, left at each stop sign, I can shave a few seconds off. If I don’t stop at Wawa for coffee, I can save a minute. I am looking into having a fire pole installed from my bedroom to the driveway. This way I don’t have to take the time going through the house. I have hired a guy to help. His name is Paul. Paul will be outside waiting for my bedroom lights as a signal. I made up this code. If he sees one light in the window, that means the baby is coming by land. If he sees two lights, that means the baby is coming by sea. Then my buddy will ride his horse through the neighborhood screaming, The Baby is coming, the Baby is coming. This will clear the roads, and allow me to get there faster. See, with all of this thought, who would be a better pick than me?
The truth of the matter is, everyone was on the call list before me. Yeah, I made it by default. It seems that nobody else will be around but me. That is why I was chosen for this honor. My mom and dad are going to visit some clown in Florida, so they won’t be around. Jim, Dennis and Sharon are all going on a little vacation together. Kevin is also going to be visiting some clown in Florida. Bill, can’t do it, cause he is the clown in Florida. Dan will be at the shore. Pat is going on vacation. Apparently a couple of neighbors were asked before me, but they had to back down. I’m sure Mike contacted the local law enforcement to see if there was anybody available for community service this weekend. So, it came down to me. Apparently, I am the last one on Mike’s call list. Not only am I last on that list, but also I missed all the lists for family vacation week. My entire family is going on vacation together except for Mike and I. What the hell is that? Mike and Cybil are having a baby, so that is why they can’t go, but where is my invite?
Anyway, I have an important job to do this weekend. I must go and fill my car with gas. I am going to get the high test. That is a better performance gasoline, and may make my vehicle go faster. That should shave a few seconds off the commute.
I have planned out my route. It will take me exactly 13 minutes and 22 seconds to get from door to door. I have been working on this time all week, in an effort to improve on it. If I don’t do the typical left, right, left at each stop sign, I can shave a few seconds off. If I don’t stop at Wawa for coffee, I can save a minute. I am looking into having a fire pole installed from my bedroom to the driveway. This way I don’t have to take the time going through the house. I have hired a guy to help. His name is Paul. Paul will be outside waiting for my bedroom lights as a signal. I made up this code. If he sees one light in the window, that means the baby is coming by land. If he sees two lights, that means the baby is coming by sea. Then my buddy will ride his horse through the neighborhood screaming, The Baby is coming, the Baby is coming. This will clear the roads, and allow me to get there faster. See, with all of this thought, who would be a better pick than me?
The truth of the matter is, everyone was on the call list before me. Yeah, I made it by default. It seems that nobody else will be around but me. That is why I was chosen for this honor. My mom and dad are going to visit some clown in Florida, so they won’t be around. Jim, Dennis and Sharon are all going on a little vacation together. Kevin is also going to be visiting some clown in Florida. Bill, can’t do it, cause he is the clown in Florida. Dan will be at the shore. Pat is going on vacation. Apparently a couple of neighbors were asked before me, but they had to back down. I’m sure Mike contacted the local law enforcement to see if there was anybody available for community service this weekend. So, it came down to me. Apparently, I am the last one on Mike’s call list. Not only am I last on that list, but also I missed all the lists for family vacation week. My entire family is going on vacation together except for Mike and I. What the hell is that? Mike and Cybil are having a baby, so that is why they can’t go, but where is my invite?
Anyway, I have an important job to do this weekend. I must go and fill my car with gas. I am going to get the high test. That is a better performance gasoline, and may make my vehicle go faster. That should shave a few seconds off the commute.
posted by lawnwhisperer at 3:04 PM
12 Comments:
It must make you feel great that he went through all 6 of his brothers, his sister, his parent's and neighbors before settling on you.
And in an effort to predict Kev/Anon comments I will say his first thought on this post will be--"A pole in the bedroom? Will your wife be dancing on it?"
Sincerely,
The Clown
I was on the list too...thanks for picking up the slack...
okay...the reason you weren't invited on vacation with everyone...they needed to leave the MOST responsible one home to be on baby call...it's true, really...that's it...uh, uh...it's the best i could do...so what is your responsiblity if the baby decides to arrive at 2:00 in the afternoon?
LW, that is so incredibly sad. I think you need to reevaluate and by the end of the year, have LW's name at the top of the list instead of at the bottom.
Do the rest of these folks live closer than your "13" minutes?
Maybe your brother should just fend for himself and take his wife to the hospital and take care of his 18 month old at the same time. That'll teach him to ignore the LW.
LW, if the Keystone isn't there the structure falls apart. The fact that you are there always, counts for something! Someone has to help. It is your turn. You are right to feel honored. You are blood. You are the perfect person for this job. Work on cutting your time, though. If your wife delivered in 28 minutes, maybe Cybil will do it in 20. You may be taking care of the todler, and delivering this baby as well. Consider that for a post on your blog. Headline: Lawn Whisperer becomes Baby Whisperer.
LOL..
Congrats! *smile*
-n
You got an offer you couldn't refuse... So did I.
Actually, I would say They can put the fire pole next two the existing brass pole.
a pole in the bedroom does sound interesting...
The real question is...would anyone else have been as prepared as you? Probaly not. They picked the right one for the job. Congrats on the new addition to the family!
my dad said that you were invited to go on vacation with us. you could be here with us right now having the time of your life but you declined. the golf courses here are unbeliveable. you could be 50 bucks richer when you got home making bets with my dad on the course. you would be in golf heaven. but you are stuck on baby watch. you put yourself in this position.
I thought you were the keystone! Everyone knows the keystone is the most responsible and therefore would have turned down any invitations for vacation when such an imminent event looming and they didn't want to make you feel bad about having to turn them down. I bet that's it! I'd put $$ on it.
Stacie
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