Thursday, July 06, 2006

Can I catch something, please.

It is getting more ridiculous as every month passes. I can’t catch a break. Actually, I can’t catch a freaking thing. I got more wildlife living at my house than the Philadelphia Zoo. My latest pest is a vole. What is a vole, you may ask? I have no freaking idea, is my answer. I spoke to an exterminator, and he confirmed that I have voles living under my front porch. They don’t really do anything, except scare the heck out of me when I am turning the hose on. One ran right over my foot the other week, and if there were a chair in my garden, I would have been up on it. No, I didn’t take any action until my wife encountered a vole. Now I am forced to take measures to rid my front porch of the voles.

For those of you that are up to speed on my pest issues, yes, this is a typical women double standard. It is OK for a rabbit to dig a hole in my front yard, and breed like, well, a rabbit, but it is not OK to let the voles live in peace. Her reason is that voles are ugly little mouse like creatures, but rabbits are cute and cuddly little wild animals. Like all good husbands do, I decided to take action, about a week later. I probably have an entire colony of voles at this time, but the more there are, the more I get to kill. I have no problem killing these pesky little wildlife. My problem comes with having to pick up and throw out the wildlife. But at the rate I am going, this won’t happen, cause I can’t catch the little bastards.

I was told to put plain old mousetraps out. Put some peanut butter on the thing, set it, and snap, I will have them. So I did this. I checked the traps when I got home. The first trap I checked was not tripped, but something black was covering it. When I got down closer I saw what was covering the trap. It was all of the ants from the freaking neighborhood. There were more ants there than in a scene from A Bugs Life. I couldn’t do anything to that trap, cause it skeeved me out. It felt like the ants were crawling on me before I even tried to pick it up, so I left it there. I went around to check the other trap, and it was gone. The trap was missing. I searched the area, and it was not there. I eventually found it, in my back yard. I set that trap in my front garden, and found it in my back yard. The peanut butter was all gone, and the thing was tripped. The animals in the yard are fucking with me. There is a conspiracy going on, and I am getting a bit pissed. The animals are winning. Can I catch a break please, or at least a vole.


Blogger jd said...

Oh my goodness! After you catch the voles, you'll have ants! Poor, Lawn Whisperer. Makes me think our yellow grass isn't so bad after all. :P

9:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you should get a hamster wheel and have the voles power your lawn lights

9:20 PM  
Anonymous mike said...

Mothballs (use flakes if you've got little ones that may mistake the stuff for edible), or some other stinky stuff. Spread it around so they have nowhere to run. Heck, pee on'em, or where they live. You wouldn't want to live in a house where someone has peed all over...scratch that...I've got kids too and haven't moved yet...

Kick their little assvoles....
trapping won't work unless you have a bazillion traps to set. If you do decide to do a bunch of traps...tie them together with fishing line and they won't go anywhere... Fight the good fight!!! Watch Predator 3 or 4 times and that should get you pumped and give you some good ideas.

9:51 PM  
Anonymous joanne said...

"skeeved" - love that word!

just read this on ('cause i've never heard of a vole):

"According to the Humane Society a mixture of castor oil, dish soap, and water spread around the perimeter of your yard will be seen as a threat and therefore keeps these rodents away."

humane or not, those things look nasty - so do whatever works. just get rid of 'em

good luck! we've got an opossum problem down here in south texas... they give me the heebies big time!

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Sandy said...

It's a good thing that you don't live in Southeast Oklahoma like I do. Then you would have to worry about the voles and moles, and prairie dogs, and possums and armadillos and skunks and raccoons jacking up your yard...damn things...Just when hubby & I get our yard looking nice, I step in a mole hole and damn near break my leg.

Good luck with the varmints!

1:40 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Ok I am not sure which made me laugh more, the post or the comments. Of course the one about the voles powering your lawn lights and then a close second was assvoles. I kind of hope you keep the little critters around, just to hear some more funny stories.

7:49 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Use the force LW. Darth Vole and his minions are no match for the good side of the force.

7:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just read this on an exterminators website.
"Voles are attracted to homes where dirty laundry and dirty dishes pile up and where the man of the house is sexually deprived"

Not Kevin

11:00 AM  
Anonymous OddMix said...

You have a bigger problem than you realize my friend. Unlike MOLES that eat insect larvae, VOLES eat roots. Plant roots. They love hosta and the like but they will burrow right into the roots of your... GRASS!

1:05 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

After Odd Mix's comment Lawn whisperer was last seen buying a flamethrower, naplam and some plastic explosive molded like female Voles.

2:09 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

why does "Caddyshack" keeping popping in my brain?

2:22 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

My cat likes to find voles and give them to us as "presents". Yea, it's LOVELY when your 3 year old son runs up to you after playing in the yard saying "Mommy, there's a mouse that's DEAD on the sidewalk!". And of course, this is when the husband is at work or somewhere else, so I have to get rid of it. If all the voles disappeared, I would be a happy woman.
I sympathize.

11:42 PM  
Anonymous stepblog said...

I'm with Mike. Take the Predator approach. If it bleeds, you can kill it.

But seriously, just leave them alone! They're aerating your precious lawn for you when they're not running across your feet.

5:31 PM  

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