The Vole Hunter starring Brad Pitt

I was blowing off the walkway and driveway after doing some lawn whispering. All good Lawnwhisperers clean up after they are done. This adds to the beauty and precision of a finely groomed lawn. My leaf blower is a craftsman, and it claims to force the air at 200 miles per hour. I normally do not care how fast the thing blows, but this day was different; cause on this day, I came face to face with that little Vole that lives under my front porch.

I was just about finished my work on the front walkway, and something caught my attention in the garden bed. I took a quick look, and there he was. The Vole was standing about two feet from me, and was starting to scurry towards its home. I had little time to react. I did not have a shotgun, or a howitzer on me, I only had my leaf blower. With instincts that have only ever been matched by Clint Eastwood in one of those Outlaw Josey Wales films, I spun and pointed my blower at the little bastard. Vinny the Vole (I named all of the creatures living in my yard) tried to run, but the air forced him sideways. He was starting to make a run towards the porch, when I cranked up the air output. This 200-mile an hour leaf blower lived up to its billing, cause it knocked Vinny into the house. Vinny lay motionless. I got him.

At first, I was shocked. Then my shock turned to elation. I started singing, “Ding Dong the Vole is dead, the Vole is dead, the Vole is dead.” You know the song. Then I started thinking about the movie rights. This could be a screenplay. Written by me, of course, The Vole Hunter. Then I started thinking about who would play me in the movie. Brad Pitt was the first name that came to mind. It is a natural fit. He’s good looking, and I am good looking. Maybe I could get Harrison Ford to play the older me. After all, he is good looking and distinguished, and I am good looking. For a brief moment, I thought about Tom Cruise, but he gets into that Scientology shit, and I find that to be strange, so I went back to Brad.

As I was finalizing the ending to the movie, something moved. I turned to look, and there was Vinny, getting up. While I was in the middle of my daydream about the movie, I turned my blower off. I tried to get it started, but I was fumbling with the controls. Vinny looked me right in the eye. He stood there for a second, and then scurried to his hole. Here’s the worst part, I think he was laughing, and I believe he flipped me the bird as he dived into his home. Vinny lived, and my screenplay went to hell. I am going out this weekend to buy a bigger leaf blower. 200 miles an hour isn’t enough to kill Vinny the Vole. No, I need bigger.