Sunday, July 16, 2006

The Vole Hunter starring Brad Pitt

I was blowing off the walkway and driveway after doing some lawn whispering. All good Lawnwhisperers clean up after they are done. This adds to the beauty and precision of a finely groomed lawn. My leaf blower is a craftsman, and it claims to force the air at 200 miles per hour. I normally do not care how fast the thing blows, but this day was different; cause on this day, I came face to face with that little Vole that lives under my front porch.

I was just about finished my work on the front walkway, and something caught my attention in the garden bed. I took a quick look, and there he was. The Vole was standing about two feet from me, and was starting to scurry towards its home. I had little time to react. I did not have a shotgun, or a howitzer on me, I only had my leaf blower. With instincts that have only ever been matched by Clint Eastwood in one of those Outlaw Josey Wales films, I spun and pointed my blower at the little bastard. Vinny the Vole (I named all of the creatures living in my yard) tried to run, but the air forced him sideways. He was starting to make a run towards the porch, when I cranked up the air output. This 200-mile an hour leaf blower lived up to its billing, cause it knocked Vinny into the house. Vinny lay motionless. I got him.

At first, I was shocked. Then my shock turned to elation. I started singing, “Ding Dong the Vole is dead, the Vole is dead, the Vole is dead.” You know the song. Then I started thinking about the movie rights. This could be a screenplay. Written by me, of course, The Vole Hunter. Then I started thinking about who would play me in the movie. Brad Pitt was the first name that came to mind. It is a natural fit. He’s good looking, and I am good looking. Maybe I could get Harrison Ford to play the older me. After all, he is good looking and distinguished, and I am good looking. For a brief moment, I thought about Tom Cruise, but he gets into that Scientology shit, and I find that to be strange, so I went back to Brad.

As I was finalizing the ending to the movie, something moved. I turned to look, and there was Vinny, getting up. While I was in the middle of my daydream about the movie, I turned my blower off. I tried to get it started, but I was fumbling with the controls. Vinny looked me right in the eye. He stood there for a second, and then scurried to his hole. Here’s the worst part, I think he was laughing, and I believe he flipped me the bird as he dived into his home. Vinny lived, and my screenplay went to hell. I am going out this weekend to buy a bigger leaf blower. 200 miles an hour isn’t enough to kill Vinny the Vole. No, I need bigger.

22 Comments:

Blogger Teri said...

maybe you need a stun gun instead.

11:14 PM  
Anonymous Sandy said...

You're right, I think he was laughing at you...and now he's probably going to start concocting great plans to ravage your yard...I second the stun gun vote.

1:15 AM  
Anonymous joanne said...

okay - a few comments.

this post was so funny, i almost peed my pants!

for some reason i really laughed at this part "Vinny the Vole tried to run, but the air forced him sideways." the visual of this completely cracked me up!

as far as "The Vole Hunter" goes, i would prefer to watch brad play the part of LW rather than harrison.

how about a pressure washer? now that would kick his ass. maybe you could pressure wash vinny and his family over to tom's place. someone needs to scare some sense into that nut-job.

5:38 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

I was wondering who would you have play your wife?

6:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brad better pay the current Whisperer. If he goes a few years back or a few years forward he may need one of those suits from Shallow Hal or Big Mommas house.

9:19 AM  
Blogger LoisLane said...

I don't know which has me laughing more, your post or the mental picture the pressure washer comment gave me of Brad Pitt running around like a beserker with a pressure washer.

9:50 AM  
Anonymous stepblog said...

Any chance you can get Tom Cruise to play Vinny?

9:57 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

You may want to reconsider having Brad Pitt play you. He may be as messed up as Tom Cruise. Pitt was quoted as saying that parenthood "is a true joy". I know that does not go along with your way of thinking.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Teri said...

How about having Tony from the Sopranos play you, no one would mess with you that way??

11:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Vinny must have mistaken you for Clint Eastwood and felt lucky...doesn't Brad Pitt have a goat-t??

3:32 PM  
Blogger Character Builder said...

I think this could still be a movie. You know those movies where the good guy shoots the bad guy, and the bad guy is laying "dead" on the ground with his gun within reach? Then the good guy goes to hug and console the damsel in distress, and while they're making out, etc. the bad guy comes around and grabs the gun and is not dead after all! You've still got a chance--maybe the sequel will develop tomorrow!

9:13 PM  
Anonymous mike said...

Firearms legal to carry in your state? Get one. Think "Little Big Man"..."Snake Eyes"...use reall bullets, not air. I know, I know, "damn near blew his brains out..." 200mph is just not enough air speed...he still got up and ran away on you!

Carry a can of shaving cream too. Spray a little around the voles mouth after you kill it. That way, when the cops show up to ask why you're shooting in a neighborhood..."rabies...damn thing attacked me!"

9:45 PM  
Anonymous mike said...

Oh, and Wile E. Coyote sounds like the lead so far...or, like everyone else said...Cruise. Same difference.

9:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i didn't know brad pitt had shrunk to 5'7" and gained 30 lbs.

10:03 PM  
Anonymous momo9 said...

I really want to visit you, but the thought of the wild life around your house frightens me. Especilly the "Wild Life" IN your house. ( and I don't mean the kids or your wife)

10:54 PM  
Anonymous momo9 said...

Especially!

10:56 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Is Vinny's wife named Vickie?

5:52 AM  
Blogger Sharfa said...

LMFAO - tears rolling down my cheeks. The visuals rock.


One question - does your leaf BLOWER have reverse, so you can SUCK that SUCKER up?

No chance of his running away on you then, is there?

2:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The visual I saw was more of a William Murray from Ghostbusters with the back pack.

5:32 PM  
Blogger Lowa said...

I bet Vinny and his little buddies or family members are planning THEIR movie version of the whole incident.

This was almost as funny as when a squirrel somehow came up my brother's toilet and they became friends.

2:16 AM  
Blogger Peanutt said...

I think Vinny the Vole is now daydreaming about the screenplay that will be written about him!!! I can't wait to see who is going to play you in that movie!

4:21 PM  
Blogger omar said...

Dude. I think Vinny's relatives have been hanging out at my house.

I've got a series of posts about voles on my site. Evil little bastards, they are. The Howitzer probably wouldn't have helped.

10:25 PM  

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