Monday, March 06, 2006

Pee Lessons

Most things that happen at my house are my fault. Whether it is a direct fault, or an indirect fault, it usually comes back to me. The most recent fault of mine is the poor job I have done at teaching the boys how to pee. That’s right, I said pee. We have a bit of a pee problem at our house, and I am the reason for it. That is how my wife feels anyway. Someone in the house is doing a whole lot of missing, while they are pissing, and Vicki has had enough.

Since I am the dad, it is natural to be the boy pee teacher. I think I have done a fine job considering that they both don’t wet their pants. They both make it to the bathroom, and pee in the toilet. Apparently we have a loose cannon in the house, and I have been instructed to launch an investigation. I must find the culprit, and put them back in basic training. They will have to go back to Peeing 101. The problem is that I am not standing there watching them pee, so how would I know? I’ll figure something out, as far as the recon mission goes, but we have an inconsistent pee man on our hands. My wife has informed me that they don’t miss the same all the time. Sometimes it’s the wall, sometimes it’s the floor, and sometimes it’s the back of the toilet. So it is an aiming issue I am sure, but I don’t like her insinuation that I may be involved.

I am a fine pee-er. I have dead aim. I have the ability to pee in the middle of the night without ever turning a light on. I know every step to that bathroom. I get out of the bed and steady myself. I then take three normal strides toward the door, and make a 45- degree turn. After that, it’s two and a half strides, then a hard right, and another hard right. I’m there; I do my thing, right down the middle, flush, and then retrace my steps back to bed. A man with those kinds of skills does not have aiming problems. I will catch the Misser-Pisser, and will deal with him in the proper manner. My investigation starts today.

15 Comments:

Blogger jd said...

Do you think you can just ask them which it is? I'm sure one will rat the other out, no?

8:29 PM  
Anonymous Max's Favorite Uncle said...

The problem is, they will blame eachother. The other problem could be the entire double pee. Once the pee crosses paths it may splash. Also, I am a guy who once was a boy and when you wake up with that thing stiff as a board, sometimes it was hard to control.

10:33 PM  
Blogger Kel said...

I thought that was what Cheerios were for - target practice ????

but, uh - I have girls so this is just what I heard . . .

10:48 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

When we had this problem, I handed the offender a roll of paper towels and a bottle of clorox spray. Problem ended in less than 3 days! (he was only 4 at the time too, I don't mess around!) Stacie

11:59 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

They don't make toilets big enough if you ask me.

7:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I heard Skywalker and Solo can both write thier names in the snow perfectly. You should look in the mirror to see if Urine control.

8:53 AM  
Blogger Sharfa said...

Loved your humor in this post, and your rhyming ability.

Stacie is right on with her idea, same thing worked for me,

11:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like the wife just doesn't want to clean up the bathroom anymore? She's seems to be passing the blame on the poor boys. Its easy to pass blame on the boys and even you but what if its just that the bathroom has been neglected for a long time, and when she does notice its a mess, she blames the guys!!!! typical....just like the cupboard...neglected...

but hey who am I to say that....

I'm just writing what you really wanted to write. I mean that's what you told me.

-ummm anonymous-(yeah like i'm going to say who I am so she can find me and beat my ass!!!)

1:05 PM  
Blogger T. said...

I am having the same problem over here. So I told the little mister he had to sit to pee. Went over well. Apparently, standing to pee is a right of manhood. My husband is no help. And I am still on the floor, scrubbing the splash.

4:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting comments, I think when "annomous" is found out, he'll be the one "neglected"...

They are male, the world is their toilet, once this is understood and accepted, all is well.

They, being male, are also easily distracted, it's usually a noise you know, they let one loose while peeing and then they turn around to "see who did it"...not a very bright bunch these males.

As for the sitting down method. Tried it. It will work for a while until they figure out that if they aim/sit the right way they can pee between the seat and then the games being...how far can they reach across the bathroom - I've yet to be surprised by their distance and dare say, sometimes its been impressive.

12:43 PM  
Blogger LizzieDaisy said...

We have carpet and three boys. Yeah, they'd better not miss...

Must say though, I'm skeptical of anyone who thinks they can pee in the dark and not miss. Hm... :)

1:53 PM  
Anonymous Mrs Whisperer said...

I did ask who the culprit was, and to save their own skins they both said Daddy.

4:47 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

We tried the cheerios route. My son bent down and picked them out of the toilet and ate them. I've been told it happens when it happens. It's messy, but it gets better over time.

6:30 AM  
Blogger tAnYeTTa said...

hilarious!

4:58 PM  
Blogger Mainline Mom said...

OMG this is so funny. Someday soon I will have to deal with this.

8:44 PM  

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