Pee Lessons

Most things that happen at my house are my fault. Whether it is a direct fault, or an indirect fault, it usually comes back to me. The most recent fault of mine is the poor job I have done at teaching the boys how to pee. That’s right, I said pee. We have a bit of a pee problem at our house, and I am the reason for it. That is how my wife feels anyway. Someone in the house is doing a whole lot of missing, while they are pissing, and Vicki has had enough.

Since I am the dad, it is natural to be the boy pee teacher. I think I have done a fine job considering that they both don’t wet their pants. They both make it to the bathroom, and pee in the toilet. Apparently we have a loose cannon in the house, and I have been instructed to launch an investigation. I must find the culprit, and put them back in basic training. They will have to go back to Peeing 101. The problem is that I am not standing there watching them pee, so how would I know? I’ll figure something out, as far as the recon mission goes, but we have an inconsistent pee man on our hands. My wife has informed me that they don’t miss the same all the time. Sometimes it’s the wall, sometimes it’s the floor, and sometimes it’s the back of the toilet. So it is an aiming issue I am sure, but I don’t like her insinuation that I may be involved.

I am a fine pee-er. I have dead aim. I have the ability to pee in the middle of the night without ever turning a light on. I know every step to that bathroom. I get out of the bed and steady myself. I then take three normal strides toward the door, and make a 45- degree turn. After that, it’s two and a half strides, then a hard right, and another hard right. I’m there; I do my thing, right down the middle, flush, and then retrace my steps back to bed. A man with those kinds of skills does not have aiming problems. I will catch the Misser-Pisser, and will deal with him in the proper manner. My investigation starts today.