Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Reputation at Stake

I love a nice lawn. I love a good lawn mower or tractor. There are only a couple of weeks of misery left, and then the Lawnwhisperering season is in full bloom. I love Mid-March in Southeastern Pa. That is when everything starts. One thing I don’t love is when a family member puts my reputation in jeopardy. I am afraid that I have a loose cannon in the family, and frankly, he is embarrassing me.

To keep his identity from getting out, I will refer to this family member as Mole. See, Mole is a pretend whisperer. He likes to try to do all the proper steps of lawn maintenance, but he comes up just short each season. I will say that each season he has gotten better, but now he has taken two giant steps backward. Mole went out and got himself a lawn tractor. He got a Cub Cadet, 42 inch deck, Hydrostatic, 20 by 10 wheels in the back, and blah, blah, blah. The issue is not the tractor (cause I love a nice tractor when I see one) the issue is the attachments. Mole intends to get a cart for the back of his tractor. Now, I can’t have a family member go out and ruin my great image like this. Everyone in the Lawnwhispering Community knows the golden rule. FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS DRIVE A TRACTOR WITH A CART!!! Can you imagine the embarrassment? How can the Lawnwhisperer have a brother who pulls a cart in public? What would the people say about me? How could I explain myself? That is like Sylvester Stallone letting his brother pretend to be a rock star. You remember that, right? Sly is kicking ass in the box office with smash hit after hit, and then his brother goes and releases an album. Look what happened to Sly since. His works since then include, Over The Top, and Stop or My Mom Will Shoot. The poor guy is out there filming Rocky 12 right now just to try and get back into the game.

I can see him now. I can see the smile on Mole’s face as he rides around in circles pulling his little cart. The image is disturbing to me. I have to stop this. He cannot run amuck and ruin the reputation of the Lawnwhisperer. Does anyone have any suggestions?


Blogger WILLIAM said...

The cart is only acceptable if he is towing coolers full of beer.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Odd Mix said...

Remove all the nuts on the bolts holding the cart together. First bump he hits and it will self destruct. Then tell him you read how the carts are all cheap gimmicks and he should just give up and buy a good wheelbarrow.

One question though: Why are carts bad?

1:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Odd is right Wheelbarrow = good

Cart = Maybe he can wear a little striped engineer hat and beep his horn.

1:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me know when Mole is driving the cart and tractor around and i'll bring over my b-b gun!!!

or we can go on a recon mission... you know, like Tom Cruise did in Mission Impossible, before he got into Scientology, and now he's just a wacko who's movies I can't watch any longer... but that neither here or there... So, back to our mission... we go and steal the cart and hold it ransom or ghost ride it down his street!!! of course we will have to sing that mission impossible tune while we steal it!!!! dunt, dunt dunt dunt.... denanow...denanow...dunt.. dunt dunt dunt.....

-i'm just a man living in captivity-

4:10 PM  
Anonymous MOLE said...

It really is a pretty tractor......
I don't think you would notice a cart on the back, the tractor is so shiney......Apperently,the Lawnwhisperer would rather carry rocks, mulch, clippings, sand, wood, and everything else you can think of by hand. His lawn needs work in some spots,especially the next time I visit......Wheelbarrow is Spanish(Manual)...... This whole thing got started by someone who hasn't cut his own lawn in 10 years anyway.

6:33 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Honestly, I say let the Mole go.

Young grasshoppa will learn sensai to listen to your words of wisdom.

6:59 PM  
Anonymous Kel said...

whao! better be careful - all that bad karma going out against "the mole" might bring your lawn a mole or something {shudder}

12:52 AM  
Anonymous grace said...

paint the cart pink

10:21 AM  
Blogger Susie said...

Does he give rides to the neighborhood kids? (He must have his own children ride or no rides allowed cause that's just weird).

Maybe Mole's yard is just so much bigger than yours he can't carry all that mulch and those rocks so far without it.

Or he is really weak.

11:37 AM  
Anonymous Mrs Whisperer said...

The Lawn whisperer is so crazy about his lawn he actually puts weed and feed on the neighbors lawn so their dandelions won't contaminate his lawn.

10:39 AM  

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