Sunday, February 19, 2006


I recently started going back to church. I basically stopped going years ago, for reasons that still piss me off, but I figured my kids need some kind of religious guidance. They are not big fans of church, but until they are big enough to beat me up, they have to listen to my rules. This is the second attempt by my wife and I to get the kids into the church scene.

The first attempt was a little more than a year ago. We went to church, and were a little late. I find it best to be a little late, and leave a little early, for my own sanity that is. So we get there a little late, and are forced to sit in the balcony area. My kids find the balcony to be cool. The problem is that the choir is on the balcony. My guys love their music; so sitting with the band is the best. Midway through the mass, the choir has a little solo going. They sing what seems to be ten straight songs. When the last song finally ends, the entire congregation is silent. You could hear a church mouse. Then my boys start clapping. They not only clapped for the choir, but they started saying, “Do it again, do it again.” Everybody in the church turns and looks up. When I say everyone, I mean everyone. The choir people found it to be cute, cause they had some fans. My wife and I, we did not find it to be so cute. We kind of slid down to the floor until the priest started talking, then we grabbed the boys and jetted.

So we took a little while off, but are back into it again. We have a solid string of consecutive weeks going again. We're not threatening Cal Ripken's streak yet, but it is a streak. The boys have been ok, but antsy. Then came yesterday. They were a bit of a handful, and most of my time was spent begging them to behave. After many bribes and threats, I finally just put my head in my hands. I was kneeling there thinking, God are you watching this? The action in the church slowed down, there was that church mouse silence, and Kyle said loudly, “Dad, it sucks having kids, doesn’t it?” I started laughing, and couldn’t stop. The kids, they found my laughter to be hysterical, so they started laughing. Some of the people around us were giving us the look, but I couldn’t stop. My wife was giving me the look too, but I still couldn’t stop. Mass was almost over, so we jetted. I know that I am supposed to be the adult here, but it was funny. We are going to continue our streak, but I need some help. Can my kids sit in a different pew? That would help a lot.


Blogger Kel said...

judging by the use of words such as "priest" and "mass" I am going out on a limb and suggesting that you might look for the family mass, if there is one in your parish - often they provide specific, age appropriate catechism for kids - ie: Sunday school during mass . . . kinda breaks up the action in the pew

but hey, let us know how it goes - we tried a few times too . . .

11:08 PM  
Blogger jd said...

I remember when I was a kid and was forced to go to church. I felt like it was the time where I had to learn to sit up and keep my mouth shut. (Or at least that what the 'rents kept telling me for the whole hour.) I guess in that respect, church has its place. I mean where else do kids go today where they need to keep their fingers out of the nose? At least you see the humor in it, Lawn Whisperer. You're kids will remember that and appreciate it when they're older.

11:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mass has ended, Laugh in Peace.

8:26 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

What did the cantor do with the money?

9:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think perhaps you should try putting the outfit/attire on the kids like they did to Anthony Hopkins in 'Silence of the Lamb'. That could work... wheel them in and stand them up in the back? you can sit in the last pew or in your own pew for that matter.

I'm thinking this thru and I give it about 2 more weeks before you come up with the saying: 'church is overated, just like kids and wives!!'

-somehow related-

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Max's Favorite Uncle said...

Sounds Like you should take the kids seperately. You could go to mass twice a week, or your wife could take one child and you take the other, obviously to two seperate services. Your kids are too close in age and it sounds like they feed off of one anothers behaviors.

1:27 PM  
Blogger Susie said...

That is hilarious.

2:33 PM  
Blogger Peanutt said...

My church has a separate "sound-proof" room that the parents can take their children too, all complete with a speaker so you can still hear the mass! I find myself sitting in here alot for the same reason as you, at least when I do go to my church...its quite a ways from where I live.

3:44 PM  

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