Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Hell in Disguise

I don’t win many things. I have never hit the lottery. I have never won at bingo. Triple Sevens have never come across my slot machine. But now, today, I am a winner. A winner of what you may ask? I am the proud winner of a 5-6 year old soccer team. Can you f-ing believe that? Soccer is big where we live. The kids start when they are like 2 and they play all year round. They have a spring season, a fall season, and indoor season, a rainy season, and a sunny season. They have seasons within the seasons. It’s ridiculous actually. Anyway, I never in a million years thought that they would need me to coach. There is a million dads that want to coach, but I told my wife to sign me up, just to make her feel better. I wanted her to see that I was willing to do good things for my kids. I didn’t really want to do it. I was basically throwing my name into the pool, knowing that the odds were against me. Shit, they picked me. I won. I won hell in disguise.

Here’s the thing, I want to coach my kids in sports, just not soccer. I hate soccer. Talk about boring. Did you ever watch paint dry? I don’t even know the rules of soccer. I know you can’t use your hands, and that is it. 5-6 year old soccer is cute to watch, but to coach it is an entirely different animal. I have trouble handling my two little guys let alone 13 other little guys. Kyle is entering his fifth season of soccer. I have been to most of his practices, and all of his games. 6 year olds do not grasp the sport. They kick each other. They fall down a lot. They all hover around the ball. They move down the field like one big amoeba. They change the subject on you when you are trying to explain something to them. They are more interested in what the snack at half-time will be than they are in what you are telling them.

Now that I have been blessed with getting to coach Kyle, I will have to do it again for Luke. This means that I will never be able to get out of it. It’s like the mob. Once you’re in, you can never get out. I want to coach baseball and basketball, not soccer. In soccer, a 1 to 0 game is considered a good game. How much fun is that? Did you ever sit and watch the washing machine go through the rinse cycle? That’s what we’re talking about here. I have zero luck, and now I get picked for something. I get picked to coach 5-6 year old soccer. My luck has just gotten worse.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Somehow related" is not going to be happy with this post. Definately watch Kicking and Screaming. You definately will be exactly like the Will Farrel character right down to the sweatsuit and the coffee.

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well, I have to admit I am not too happy with this post!!!

Soccer is a much better sport to coach then Baseball and Basketball.
I mean come on, at least you don't have to worry about a kid winging a metal bat straight back at your family jewels....

Its soccer John, not brain surgery, i mean we are talking about 'practice' right? I mean practice, come on.

Oh, and Vick just told me that you went out and bought 7 different warmup outfits for every game!!! Nice... Looking forward to watching you in action... God Help The Kids!!!!

-somehow related-

1:42 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

A couple of things.
1. You equate soccer to watching paint dry but in a post a few days ago you admit to watching Golf.
2.I can't wait to hear how you deal with the other fathers, or worse, mothers.
3. Make the kids run laps.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Odd Mix said...

Yeah, Lots of laps!

2:19 PM  
Blogger judypatooote said...

My grandkids played soccer and I think that 5-6 year old are my favorite age group....of course for you since you won the team it will be a challenge.....have fun, and take a camera......

4:10 PM  
Blogger Kel said...

seriously, it could be worse - I thought I was all clever steering my kids away from soccer after playing for more than a dozen years and giving up every Saturday day morning of my life - BUT NO! Kyle could have ended up fencing and you would then be sitting through double elimination rounds on Saturday morning! Don't blink or you will miss who had right of way and whose feet crossed . . . And if you think soccer moms are bad . . .

6:18 PM  
Anonymous momo9 said...

Why did you sign them up for a sport you don't like? What is your alternative? Piano, ballet, gymnastics(haha)? Enjoy it and stop complaining!The kids have fun, so should you!

11:13 AM  
Anonymous momo9 said...

Watching paint dry? Similar to watching grass grow. You're a champ at that!!!! You'll catch on quick to the paint drying!

11:16 AM  
Anonymous M&Co. said...

I find coaching little kids sort of like trying to herd cats.

Someone once described a soccer game to me as, Peanuts, you know where they all move off together and the dust billows up around them, and then they turn around and go the other way?

Yeah, you've entered one of Dante's seven levels of hell and there is no escape for you.

12:36 PM  
Anonymous maggie said...

i play soccer
it is an awesome sport you just have to learn how to play
it is just as boring as baseball is
well no its funner than that
be happy and have fun

9:19 AM  

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