Hell in Disguise

I don’t win many things. I have never hit the lottery. I have never won at bingo. Triple Sevens have never come across my slot machine. But now, today, I am a winner. A winner of what you may ask? I am the proud winner of a 5-6 year old soccer team. Can you f-ing believe that? Soccer is big where we live. The kids start when they are like 2 and they play all year round. They have a spring season, a fall season, and indoor season, a rainy season, and a sunny season. They have seasons within the seasons. It’s ridiculous actually. Anyway, I never in a million years thought that they would need me to coach. There is a million dads that want to coach, but I told my wife to sign me up, just to make her feel better. I wanted her to see that I was willing to do good things for my kids. I didn’t really want to do it. I was basically throwing my name into the pool, knowing that the odds were against me. Shit, they picked me. I won. I won hell in disguise.

Here’s the thing, I want to coach my kids in sports, just not soccer. I hate soccer. Talk about boring. Did you ever watch paint dry? I don’t even know the rules of soccer. I know you can’t use your hands, and that is it. 5-6 year old soccer is cute to watch, but to coach it is an entirely different animal. I have trouble handling my two little guys let alone 13 other little guys. Kyle is entering his fifth season of soccer. I have been to most of his practices, and all of his games. 6 year olds do not grasp the sport. They kick each other. They fall down a lot. They all hover around the ball. They move down the field like one big amoeba. They change the subject on you when you are trying to explain something to them. They are more interested in what the snack at half-time will be than they are in what you are telling them.

Now that I have been blessed with getting to coach Kyle, I will have to do it again for Luke. This means that I will never be able to get out of it. It’s like the mob. Once you’re in, you can never get out. I want to coach baseball and basketball, not soccer. In soccer, a 1 to 0 game is considered a good game. How much fun is that? Did you ever sit and watch the washing machine go through the rinse cycle? That’s what we’re talking about here. I have zero luck, and now I get picked for something. I get picked to coach 5-6 year old soccer. My luck has just gotten worse.