Sunday, August 13, 2006

The Birds and the Bees

I know it is a little bit early. I know that it is hard for most people to even attempt to bring up the subject. It has only been six and a half years, and most people say you should wait until 12 or 13 years to have the talk. I was absolutely tired of waiting, and decided that now was as good a time as ever. I needed to get this stuff off of my chest, so I gathered everyone involved, and we met out on the patio. I had the talk on Sunday morning, and it was pretty straight forward, and to the point.

I started with the birds. I said, “Birds, what the hell is your deal? Why do you go around shitting on all of my stuff, at every chance you get? You don’t see me shitting in your nest, so why do you shit on my house? I know damn well that you are sitting up in a tree watching me wash my car, and you wait exactly until the car dries to come and make a mess. I know you think that that is funny, but guess what, it’s not. And you know what else? The grass seed that I spread is for the damn lawn, it is not for you to snack on. It is not for you and all of your kind to eat all up, before it ever germinates. That is why people put birdfeeders out in their lawn. If I wanted to feed you, I would do that. Also, when I am out cutting the grass, leave me the hell alone. I do not find it to be cute for you guys to dive bomb me while I am working. If you guys are just playing that is fine, but go to a freaking playground to play. We can certainly coexist, but you will have to live by my rules.”

The birds seemed ok with the conversation, so I then turned towards the bees. I said, “Guys, listen up. If I am weed whacking around a tree, and just so happen to get close to your nest, you do not need to get all angry and upset. There is no need to come out all buzzing and nasty, and chase me all around my yard. Do you know how silly I look, when I am running around in circles waving my arms and screaming obscenities? My neighbors do not need to see that. I have no desire to get your honey. I don’t even like honey. You can keep it. I will only be around the tree for a second or two, and then I am gone. Chill the hell out will you? Also, my shed is for my tools and things. Stop finding every nook and cranny, and starting one of your little honey comb things. There are plenty of places on my neighbor’s yards for you to set up shop for your precious little queen. What is the deal with that whole queen thing anyway? Is she a real queen or one of those figurehead queens like England has? Cause if she is just a figurehead; tell her to get her own pollen. She can’t have you beheaded or anything. You guys don’t even have heads, do you? We can all get along just fine, but you have to live by my rules, screw your queen.”

The conversations went pretty good. I think we are all on the same page now. I don’t understand why people make such a fuss about the Birds and The bees conversation. It was pretty easy. You just have to open up, and explain the truth. It’s not that hard, really. It is apparently one of the most awkward times for a parent, but trust me, it’s not that bad.


Blogger Teri said...

that was brilliant! you always have me the first couple of sentences and then BAM you turn it around.

10:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are too funny!!! Each time I think you can't get any more funny~ and each time I am wrong!!

1:15 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

One moment of passion...can ruin a very nicely groomed lawn.

8:19 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

You are one funny mother fucker.

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Max's Favorite Uncle said...

I find it funny how William will curse on your blog, but not his own. Waht is that about?

10:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Isn't there a part about Stamens and Pistels?

Also I can't wait to hear your comments on cross-polinating.

11:03 AM  
Anonymous momo9 said...

William, tsk, tsk, not so nice to use bad language. I never like that the mother word is used. Stop it!
Lawn Whisperer! Great blog! You can scold the bees all you want, but leave the birds alone! They give me great pleasure! They are fun to watch! I do feed them. If you try that, you'll notice they will use better manners than to poop on your clean car. They'll just use the deck furniture instead!

11:44 AM  
Anonymous somehow related said...

so where were L & K when you gave this talk?

(i'm speaking in code, b/c I got in trouble last time when I used names.)

12:21 PM  
Anonymous deneen said...

You are such a tormented soul aren't you? The animal kingdom is just out to get you.

I agree with William though: You are one funny bunny fluffer. (trying to watch my language out of respect for Momo9.)

12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you ever consider that the birds were trying to help...they took the seeds, fertilized them, and gave them back...seems to me like they are trying to co-exist.
Man, you're tough, try to help a guy.

7:44 PM  
Blogger sari said...

I bet the Queen of England is tormented too, knowing she's a useless figurehead.

But at least she doesn't have to deal with random stray birds & stuff - she probably has some guy whose only job it is is to hold her umbrella to keep the bird poop off of her!

1:53 PM  
Blogger Sharpie said...

*slaps forehead*
So THATS how I can stop the freakin bees from making nests in the kids playscape and stinging all the neighbors kids.

7:50 AM  
Anonymous cassie-b said...

If only I'd heard those lectures earlier!
oh well, better late than never. I'm going to have to share the lectures with Don(my hubby).

9:26 AM  

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