Tuesday, March 28, 2006

No Voiding

I have been having some kidney issues lately. I finally went to the Dr. and they sent me for an ultrasound. Usually when I am sent for a test or an X-ray, I bail out and never go. This time I went because, well because, my wife made me go. I can only get by for so long complaining about pain without getting it checked out. So I went for the test.

Getting an ultrasound for your kidney and bladder is not a fun experience. They take you in the waiting room and give you about a gallon of water. They tell you to drink this gallon of water, and wait for approximately an hour. They will be back to do the ultrasound after that. Right before the nurse leaves she turns and says, “Bye the way, No voiding for the entire hour.” No Voiding? What the hell is that? Is that like no loitering?I had to ask for clarification. I called my wife and said, “What does it mean when the nurse tells me there is no voiding? Vicki explained to me that that means no peeing. They need a full bladder for the test. So I said OK. And went about my water consumption.

I was only 20 minutes into my hour when I felt the need to Void. 20 minutes, that’s all. I still had 40 minutes left of Void free water drinking. I was dying. Here’s the thing, I am in a room with 4 other non-voiding water drinkers. Can’t I get a private room to suffer the pain of the full bladder? I am sitting in that room, talking to myself. This stupid *&^($ &*^$#@ bitch says no voiding. I’ll show you no voiding, how about I no void all over the floor. This is surely a form of torture. I want to speak to the damn manager. Is there a voiding manager in this place? I have to void, and I have to void now. Finally I hear, “Mr. Whisperer, you can follow me.”

So I get to the room and lay down on the bed. This freaking technician pours some cold jelly on my gut and starts prodding at my kidneys and bladder. I have a gallon of water in there that just has to be voided and she is acting like it’s a Sunday stroll in the park. The pain! The Agony! Finally she says, “OK, the bathroom is right behind you, go ahead and empty your bladder, then we have to check everything out again.” Like a Ninja, I am out of that bed and in the bathroom. I get in there and I am ready. Nothing is happening. Shit, stage fright! The damn technician is standing three feet away from me behind what amounts to be a cardboard door. I have to void like I have never voided before, and I get stage fright. So I start talking to myself again. “Why don’t you just kick me in mother @$%#^& balls. Who invented this stupid test? I have to pee, and this tech is sitting right outside the mother $%^#@! Door. Can I get a moment of privacy in this stupid place?” Finally, I voided. The pain lingered for a while, but I voided. The technician actually had the nerve to say have a nice day when I was leaving. Have a nice day? Have a nice day? I started talking to myself again as I left.


Blogger WILLIAM said...

Reading this makes me have to V.

3:21 PM  
Blogger No_Newz said...

Sorry to laugh at your expense. Well, not really. Anyhow, I hope your kidneys and stuff check out a-okay.
Lois Lane

4:28 PM  
Anonymous Just Susie said...

Uh yeah I've had to do that 2-3 different times for ultrasounds when pregnant. One time it was an INTERNAL ultrasound. Ask your wife what that means. I'd like to feel for you, but I have to say - JUSTICE!

And I hope your kidney issue and "stuff" checks out ok.

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I liked that Dominos commercial. "Avoid the Void."

5:34 PM  
Blogger Tara's World said...

Did you find out what you were going to have? A boy or girl? lol , sorry I have to agree with Susie. When you start getting your period then we women will be more sympathetic

5:35 PM  
Blogger KristieD said...

Welcome to the joy of pregnancy ultrasounds, when your bladder already is on super-void-mode. Do that 3 times in 9 months. It sucks. So i feel your pain.

11:07 PM  
Blogger Odd Mix said...

Oh, man. I feel your pain. I do SO hope for your sake that you don't have kidney stones. I was down with a stone for over two MONTHS last year. A bit of gravel the size of a pin head had me in and out of labor (same muscles, same contraction, NO BREAKS) for two freaking months. Felt like I had been kicked in the family jewels - repeatedly.

Anyway, I hope all is well and you are enjoying a voidfull day.

7:40 AM  
Anonymous -somehow related- said...

Whah whah whah... come on Guy get it together man... This is Dad vs. Dad here... damn... come on.

You got to hold it together over there... stop the bitching, hold the void, extra mayo, no pickles...

Anyway... hey can I have your job?

2:12 PM  

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