No Voiding

I have been having some kidney issues lately. I finally went to the Dr. and they sent me for an ultrasound. Usually when I am sent for a test or an X-ray, I bail out and never go. This time I went because, well because, my wife made me go. I can only get by for so long complaining about pain without getting it checked out. So I went for the test.

Getting an ultrasound for your kidney and bladder is not a fun experience. They take you in the waiting room and give you about a gallon of water. They tell you to drink this gallon of water, and wait for approximately an hour. They will be back to do the ultrasound after that. Right before the nurse leaves she turns and says, “Bye the way, No voiding for the entire hour.” No Voiding? What the hell is that? Is that like no loitering?I had to ask for clarification. I called my wife and said, “What does it mean when the nurse tells me there is no voiding? Vicki explained to me that that means no peeing. They need a full bladder for the test. So I said OK. And went about my water consumption.

I was only 20 minutes into my hour when I felt the need to Void. 20 minutes, that’s all. I still had 40 minutes left of Void free water drinking. I was dying. Here’s the thing, I am in a room with 4 other non-voiding water drinkers. Can’t I get a private room to suffer the pain of the full bladder? I am sitting in that room, talking to myself. This stupid *&^($ &*^$#@ bitch says no voiding. I’ll show you no voiding, how about I no void all over the floor. This is surely a form of torture. I want to speak to the damn manager. Is there a voiding manager in this place? I have to void, and I have to void now. Finally I hear, “Mr. Whisperer, you can follow me.”

So I get to the room and lay down on the bed. This freaking technician pours some cold jelly on my gut and starts prodding at my kidneys and bladder. I have a gallon of water in there that just has to be voided and she is acting like it’s a Sunday stroll in the park. The pain! The Agony! Finally she says, “OK, the bathroom is right behind you, go ahead and empty your bladder, then we have to check everything out again.” Like a Ninja, I am out of that bed and in the bathroom. I get in there and I am ready. Nothing is happening. Shit, stage fright! The damn technician is standing three feet away from me behind what amounts to be a cardboard door. I have to void like I have never voided before, and I get stage fright. So I start talking to myself again. “Why don’t you just kick me in mother @$%#^& balls. Who invented this stupid test? I have to pee, and this tech is sitting right outside the mother $%^#@! Door. Can I get a moment of privacy in this stupid place?” Finally, I voided. The pain lingered for a while, but I voided. The technician actually had the nerve to say have a nice day when I was leaving. Have a nice day? Have a nice day? I started talking to myself again as I left.