Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Surprise Attack

I am a little embarrassed. I feel a tad bit ashamed right at this moment. I am having trouble looking people in the eye today. This is not my normal behavior, as I am a relatively happy person with a hint of cynicism and grumpiness. But all in all, I am an OK guy. Today, I am not myself. I feel a bit betrayed, with a touch of humiliation.

I had a doctor appointment today. It was a basic check-up. I had not been there for a while, so I was just following up on my ailments and aches. My doctor has known me for a while, and she knows that most of these ailments are of the mental variety, but she plays along pretty well. Yes, my doctor is a lady. Well, she is a female. She hardly acted like a Lady today.

We started the appointment with the typical pleasantries. The Hello’s and the how are you’s. She did some blood pressure stuff and some listening to the lungs stuff. Things were going along fine, and she was giving me a speech about something, when in the middle she mentioned something about a rectal exam. “Whoa, what was that you just said?” I interrupted. She went through her reasoning again, and I said, “I’m only 37, you don’t have to do that until I’m 40!!!” “John” she said, “It is not just for 40 year olds, and I want to be sure everything is fine.”

So, two minutes later, she stuck her finger up my ass. There is no real way to describe a finger being stuck up your ass. It is not pleasant. My elbows are on the bench, my pants are around my knees, and the doctor’s finger is up my ass, and she says, “You should be thankful that you have a female doctor, cause my fingers are thinner.”

My doctor surprise attacked me. There is no way in hell that I would have gone to that appointment if I knew she was going to stick her finger up my ass. I was violated. I have to change doctors now. I can never look her in the eye again. Not after what she did, and how she did it. I was just starting to like her too.


Anonymous stepblog said...

Dude! Did we really need to know about this? Next thing you're going to all Katie Couric on us and post video of your colonoscopy.

4:35 PM  
Anonymous Somehow Related said...

Couple of things here:

Your Mother Reads these post!!! come on....

I thought I saw you skipping around the office this afternoon? whistling yippidy do da...

Did you say you were a calm cool collective guy? ok no comment.

You know there was a recent study done on boys who come from a large family with boys... something about with each boy born there's less testostorone.....or something like that, some wise blogger told me this.... and who knows, maybe you were angry it wasn't done by a male doctor!!!!

I don't know? just some observations. And don't you think its' going to be really hard for your Doctor to look you in the 'eye' again too?

I'm sure your MOM will ask the very simple question...

LW - were you clean?

ps. Can I get the name of your doctor?

4:41 PM  
Anonymous deneen said...

See-karma is real. Charlie Brown a perfectly innocent Magnolia and BAM! Karma gives you a finger in the ass. Gotta watch the karma dude.

4:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That sounded like some of your dates in highschool.

1) Exchange of pleasantries


5:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, that wasn't your doctor.

5:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the best one yet, and who knew "somehow related" was so funny...gotta watch those quiet ones...and he was skipping around the office, a little crooked, but skipping because his toes couldn't really touch the ground, it was like he had something up his a@@...male doctor!! Perhaps the next dr. visit should be to Dr. Phil...and answer the question before your mother has to ask!

9:01 PM  
Anonymous momo9 said...

You wrote this as a blog subject!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG I bet your Doc. is blogging about it right now on her blog!!!!I hope your Hiney feels better soon!

10:11 PM  
Blogger sari said...

In the immortal words of Bender from Futurama:

"That's using your ass!"

11:39 PM  
Anonymous RzDrms said...

your name is "john"?! well that's cool! but (heehee) i promise, after this post and all the booty comments (and your mom fussing you), i'll be nice and won't even make a joke about your name (you know, such as, "did you have to go to the john after the heinie probe?") ;)

11:51 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Moooonnn River. You using the whole fist doc?

8:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would rather my doctor just flip me the bird...

8:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No one knows what its like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, BEHIND blue eyes.

8:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me get this straight... Your doctor turned you into a finger puppet?

8:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is such a sexist statement. "A females fingers are thinner." I bet you her finger felt just as thick as a man's.

8:34 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

I'm sure I'm supposed to have sympathy, and I'm trying, really I am, but now think about how your poor wife and scores of other women feel on a regular basis when we have to go in for our yearly paps, and for those of us with problems, more often than yearly. Yeah...I know I'm supposed to have sympathy, but right now, I'm feeling only the teensiest bit vindicated. Go hug your wife and tell her how awsome she is for enduring much worse every year (or more) Stacie

11:07 PM  
Blogger Jewl said...

You are lucky you are not a girl... you don't want to know what goes on at those appointments!
Hope you didn't have any streak marks! LOL

7:13 AM  
Blogger No_Newz said...

When my old man's doc did that sneak attack on him, he came home, wrapped his arms around his own chest, slid down the wall and "cried" about how he had just been violated.
You guys are all wussies. :P Try the shoe horn treatment us chicks have to get. All. Of. The. Time.
Lois Lane

1:33 PM  
Blogger Rob Barron said...

I'm 37 and there is no way I'm giving up my three years...

6:57 PM  
Anonymous Been there said...

You are lucky she didn't put a glove on the other hand and ask you if you wanted a second opinion.

5:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


1:34 AM  

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